I don’t really follow The Bachelor (normally I tune into the last 10 or 15 minutes so that I don’t miss a minute of Castle), but for some reason, the show is slowly sucking me in. The last 15 minutes has expanded to 30 minutes to one hour. I’m turning from someone who has The Bachelor on in the background while I grab snacks in the kitchen to someone who watches The Bachelor on purpose.
I admit that I’ve looked at the application for the show, and while I meet the eligibility requirements, I wonder how far the producers would let me go through the audition process before eliminating me. I doubt I would actually ever apply or even truly want to be on the show, because I’m so cynical about the whole experience. I mean, whoever says they are on the show to find love is lying to themselves… But if I were on The Bachelor or got to be the Bachelorette, here’s how it would go down:
If I were one of the many girls fighting for The Bachelor, I would…
… get to know all of the other girls in the house and be friendly to them. I would be so nice, they’d never have anything bad to say about me to the Bachelor.
… not steal the Bachelor from another girl during their one-on-one time. Instead, I’d say, “When you’re finished talking with her, could you meet me on the patio? There’s something I wanted to talk with you about.” Sure, there’s the definite possibility someone else would steal him or he’d just forget that I was waiting for him, but at least the girl he was with wouldn’t have a reason to revenge-steal him away from me. And maybe he’d notice I wasn’t crazy and inconsiderate but patient and kind instead.
… take the Bachelor to my parents’ house on the hometown date. He’d have to try my mom’s home-cooked Filipino food and meet my dad. Maybe the extended family would be there, too – and that’s a lot of Filipinos. Then we would take a two-hour road trip to where I currently live, where he would meet some of my friends from college, church, and work. If he survives all of that (and if everyone doesn’t completely humiliate me), then I guess he’s alright.
… refuse his wedding proposal, assuming I made it to the final round and he wanted to marry me. Instead, I’d ask that we try dating each other exclusively rather than him dating (and making out with) several women at the same time. If, after dating like normal people without cameras around and other women going on dates with us, he still wanted to get married, then maybe I’d say yes. And I would inform him of my plan earlier in the season so that my refusal wouldn’t catch him off guard and so he would have the opportunity to send me home if he were only looking for someone to say yes on the big finale show.
… wear pants more often. I could still look good and feel comfortable at the same time. I mean, is it really necessary to wear a dress that looks like it’s just a shirt?
If I were the Bachelorette and guys were fighting over me, I would…
… make at least one of the cocktail parties alcohol-free so that I could see which of the guys were naturally fun to be with and which ones only had booze-induced humor.
… not go on destination dates that required me to wear a bathing suit on national television.
… make the guys compete in a dance-off. The best dancers and the guys who had the most fun continue to the next round. The guys who are too proud or too embarrassed to dance get sent home.
… spend nearly all one-on-one dates watching movies or YouTube videos while eating take-out food and ice cream.
… make one of those movies The Princess Bride. Every guy in the Top 4 has to watch it with me. If he loves it or can quote nearly every line, he can stay. If he hates it or makes no attempt at enjoying it, then goodbye.
… spend the other one-on-one dates doing volunteer work or some kind of charitable act. (They did this on this week’s episode of The Bachelor, and I thought it was a fantastic idea. I think they should do this more often!)
If you were on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, what would you do?