Seeking the Gray

When I take personality tests, I sit stumped. Everything I know about myself suddenly becomes gray, and I realize I would prefer to be black and white. As much as I would hate to be put into a box in any other situation, I answer each question wishing I could just fit neatly into one category or the other. I remember taking one particular test and getting the same results for all four possible outcomes. Others weighed heavily in one category or another while I floated smack dab in the middle of the spectrum. I wondered in frustration if I had answered the questions wrong somehow. Why am I so… undefinable? Do I have this multi-faceted personality because I become whatever people want me to be? Or am I really just the type who is a bit of everything and dwells in that fuzzy middle ground? The gray area.

All of this is to say, I don’t know how I feel about change. When personality tests ask questions about change, I really don’t know how to answer. I handle change well and like the way it breaks up boredom and monotony – but I am also a big fan of routine and organization. I am not afraid to get a drastic haircut (every two years over Christmas break at Hair Cuttery). I can purge piles of unworn clothes from my wardrobe (before arranging what’s left by color and order of most recent use, and placing my socks in the second drawer as always).

I am excited about possibly starting a new job and moving into a place of my own in a few weeks. At the same time, my parents’ casual comments about selling the house and moving to Florida in a few years leave me slightly unnerved. (Don’t get me wrong. My parents’ move to Florida will be a great thing, but having it as a common topic of conversation catches me off guard at times.) There is some kind of comfort in the constant – the two years between haircuts, the sock drawer, my parent’s house. It is the safety net that allows me to leap after change into the unknown. A world without constant contains nothing but change and feels dangerous. A world without change feels boring and monotonous. I need the constant in order to embrace change, and I need change to appreciate the constant. I need both, because I dwell in the gray.

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3 thoughts on “Seeking the Gray

  1. undefinable? multi-faceted personality? Become whatever people want me to be? That fuzzy middle ground? The gray area.2 years ago, I decided that i wanted to change (be less quiet, talk more, get out of comfort zones etc) – not because that's who I am or want to be, but because that's what I think I should be…. in order to fit into "society".2 years on, I realised tt I did kind of changed. My (blog)writing's improved. I talk more (online). In real life, Im just a tiny little bit more of a talker than i was before.Im in the gray area between virtual and reality. I guess I'm too comfortable being in this area that Im not so looking forward to "real" change.

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